Held

Sunrise, in a rented car, from Stonehenge to Bath, November 2006

Sunrise, on the Doulos, from Phuket to Klang, June 2006

Sunset, on the jetty, from Murano Island to Venice, January 2005

—–

It don’t matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay
No, the sun is gonna rise, gonna rise
Shine down on another day
There will be tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave
Cos’ it don’t matter to the sun no, no
It matters to me

I’m getting nowhere with my essay! I want to whine to someone, but have promised myself not to pick up the phone and not to appear online, not skype, not msn, not googlechat. Good. I’m not doing all of the above, I’m writing! Just not writing my essay.

It’s on the economics of smoking, which is really pretty fascinating, models of rational addiction, the displacement effects of bans (so children might end up with higher cotinine levels due to parents displacing themselves from pubs back home to smoke), etcetc…

BUT, the thoughts aren’t flowing, the tiny print of research papers is hurting my eyes (result of printing two pages on one to save money and the environment), question now is, should I go sleep and wake up before sunrise to do the rest of it?

Well, it would be nice to watch the sun rise. Assister au lever de soleil…

Today’s prayer meeting saw 6 girls and 1 guy sitting under blue skies, marigold clouds (haha reminds me of the time I almost laughed out loud when the teacher read out the phrase “marigold clouds” from one of my classmates’ essays in primary school). So anyway, yes the group of us, sitting on the stone slabs of the roof garden behind the south cloisters, chilly breeze rustling weeds/tree leaves/bushes, sunshine gently warming, talking to the One who created all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small. When we got up, legs all pins-and-needles tingly numb, I looked around and was just so thankful. So so so so thankful. Still am!

I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where? down in my heart! Where? down in my heart. I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart today! And I’m so happy so very happy, I’ve got the joy of Jesus in my heaaaarrrrt! and I’m so happy, so very happy, I’ve got the joy of Jesus in my heart! 

I feel very jittery! Don’t know if it’s the coffee, or just work, or just restlessness. Sigh, anyway, see! The excessively unhealthy correlation between amount of work, and number of blog posts is manifesting itself again!!
–

Ok, so another dream. But this is too significant (imo) not to make sure I never forget (in case it does actually happen in the future).

I dreamt that I got diabetes. Which is not really surprising given the high amounts of sugar I consume (I just piled a lot into the coffee I’m drinking, urps.) What was surprising was that whoever the doctor was telling me the bad news refused to explain what kind of diabetes I had, strange aversion to insulin or something, refused to tell me what should do. All that even though I was asking a lot of very relevant questions- he seemed to think I was just frantic, emotionally unstable and hysterical! Ok, anyway, so in my dream, I got diabetes, and got very angry because the doctor wouldn’t answer my questions.
–

I’m very glad I decided at the last minute to get out and get to swot. I must make it there in time to hear more about the tabernacle next week, and discussion was interesting too. The swot group I’m in is a bunch of very different people drawn together by a common faith, love, hope. Amazing stuff really.

If my writing seems rather simple, a partial explanation could be that when I write or say things now I seem to lapse into trying to find the french equivalent to say/write it, which inevitably makes me say/write things much more simply. Oral exam coming soon!

On the bus on the way home, (I really like the route, it passes by Regent’s and other parks and peaceful streets) I was humming an old old song most of the way. “To be like Jesus/to be like Jesus/all I want/to be like him/all through life’s journey/from hope to glory/all I want/ to be like him.” One of those Mummy and Daddy often sang when I was a little girl.

Maybe later in the night, and hopefully when my essay gets done, I think I want to talk more about things I’ve learnt these past few days. (a lot!)
–

attempt at a haiku: (for a sister)
bleeding heart sobbing
- WHY. love, dirt, rips, hurts, unloved
- know, why. Jesus died.

I had a weird dream last night, or this morning. Probably this morning, because we only remember dreams which occur in that window of half-awakeness before we actually do wake up right?

So I’m  wandering up and down the aisles of a huge supermarket. (One of my favourite activites in real-life by the way) Then, I turn a corner and see Unidentified Walking Man (UWM) who appears to be doing the same as I am, grocery shopping. Except I recognise and know UWM and so I go up to say hi. We say hi, chat awhile, and walk our separate ways. Then in the next aisle we meet again. And as he walks past me he has this scrunched up look on his face, like he’s sniffing the air. So I say, “why that nose scrunching? do I smell very bad?” And he says hurriedly, “No no no sorry no!!”. And we walk on in opposite directions, only to meet again in the next aisle. And UWM does that nose scrunching again, so I ask why again. And he says, “oh ok ok I confess-  I was trying to place the smell around you.” Which I’m highly insulted and irritated by! But then he says, “no no it’s a nice smell, a curiously nice smell.” So  then I try to smell whatever it is on me because I know I wasn’t wearing any perfume. And then, (this is the absolutely insane part) I come to the conclusion that, “Oh, that’s the Oust Garden Fresh Odour Eliminator I bought from Sainsbury’s the other day.” and proceed to explain how I’d sprayed it in my room to see if it smelt artificial, and had to walk through the area I sprayed to smell it because Odour Eliminators do not have as strong a scent as Air Fresheners, and that some of it must have gotten on me. UWM looks at me as if that were a very intelligent thing to say, not to mention very normal and acceptable, and goes, “oh, hmm thanks I think I shall get one too then” before walking on.

BIZARRE or what? My brain operates strangely, this is evidence. It’s not completely baseless though because I did buy that Oust spray the other day, and I did spend a long time wandering up and down the aisles of the Sainsbury’s at Angel the other night, and I think a packet of Doritos must have featured somewhere in the dream too, since I’ve been gorging multiple packets down. Now, I just don’t know who the mystery UWM is.

The full moon (it is almost the 15th, of the 1st month of Lunar New Year too), has been slowly disappearing behind a greyish-reddish-brown gauze over the past few hours. All that’s left as I write this is a thin line of silver…. it’s captivating really.

I first understood why star-gazing was romantic while at church youth camp, at this campsite near the limestone mountains and caves of Perak, where the night-sky was so clear and stars so bright and oh the shooting stars just fell like glittery showers!!

And then there was Doulos, being up on the deck, feeling the slight bobbing of the ship on the waves, pretending to be adrift in the ocean, singing “The stars will light the sky for You, and always, God be praised.”

Now, moon-gazing. While (yes it’s corny I admit haha), listening to Air Supply:
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

And I think I just witnessed the total eclipse of the moon!

It makes me happy, to think of the many people who’ve been waiting to watch this, and how happy they’d be that the clear skies made for perfect moon-watching.

It fills me with a kind of calmness, to think of the unhurried movement of Moon round Earth, Earth on it axis, Earth round Sun.

“When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place.
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?”
- Psalm 8:3-4

And the world is so much bigger than you and me, isn’t it?

—

I’m glad that my heart isn’t eclipsed, shadowed by any boy’s love or lack thereof.

But I’m even more grateful, humbled, joyful, that my heart has emerged from that eclipse which once had me blind, according to Romans 1: 20-21 “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities – his eternal power and divine nature – have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.”

—

However, I know I don’t always live as one who’s walking in the light, I’m not always “shining” like I should. I feel slightly strange to speak directly in what I write to whoever reads it and I’m just about to do just that… Anyway, if you read this, you’re likely to be someone who’s seen me behaving badly even though truth be told no one but God can see the real depth of my sinfulness. And, if you’re not a Christian, or maybe even if you are, it must be disillusioning- I know because I’ve felt the same way, watching people’s lives.

I really plead now however, that you look for the truth behind human inconsistencies and imperfection. The truth of Christ and the gospel stands regardless of all the church has done, all that Christians have done to tarnish it, it stands because truth is like that- unchanging in a world which favours relativism.

Life is not “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”, we are not stranded in an unknown universe wondering why the stars and moon stare down at us. But in our lives, true Life can only be found in relationship with the Living God who created us, one broken by sin, restored in Jesus Christ. (random sidenote: the American girl at SWOT calls him JC, which I find impossible to get used to!)

If I’ve never told you what I’ve just written above, if I’ve never apologised for how I live sometimes (even as by God’s grace and His grace alone I know I’m changing day by day), it’s because of pride, fear, not knowing what to say and when, and I don’t know what else….. Someday when I’m less pressed for time, and bolder, I might share more of my life here, hesitant though I still am about pour-out-your-life-story type blogging.

But in the words of that Casting Crowns song: “Cos here I go again/talking about the rain/and mulling over things/that won’t live past today./And as I dance around the truth,/time is not his friend,/this might be my last chance,/to tell him that You love him.”

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. ” 1 John 3:16

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

“Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of your Lord Jesus Christ.” – Eph 5:19-20

It’s been a very harrowing past few weeks, full of deadlines, little worries, and plenty more uncertainties, but for all that I’m truly grateful.

For early jogs under beautiful morning skies (which turned into an exercise video session cos of what bbc called “squally showers” haha this morning) , for a very enjoyable leaders’ cell meeting on monday, for a very enriching SWOT session tonight, for Love.

Tonight, I was reminded too of darkness and light.

(Anyhow, oh dear, this is turning into a rather random rambling of thoughts as I continue to put off working on my french project which is due all too soon!)

Oh yes, I wanted to talk about my bus-ride back! So when the bus was passing by Camden, I glanced over my shoulder, because all the seats in front of me were empty and I wanted to see if I was the only lonely soul other than the bus-driver left on the bus (probably also cos I’m always slightly nervous about drunk people on buses due to previous not-so-nice encounters, and Camden at night makes me slightly more nervous). I caught a glimpse of one man who didn’t look at all drunk, so I didn’t pay much attention. Two stops later, I suddenly find a big, rough, square face almost right in my face! (I probably didn’t hear him coming because I was listening to music, so I was quite shocked) Hastily pulling my earphones out, I hear his jolly, possibly half-drunk, “You know what, we (points at himself and me) could have a GREAT party tonight!” as he flashes a wide smile and turns to get off the bus, waving goodbye.

I don’t have a reason why to expound on, but anyway, that made me smile inside too.