Held

If I love you more, will you love me less?

Be that as it may, I have not been a burden to you.

from Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians.

million-dollar question: how?

Hello everybody who reads this blog!

Somehow exam season always prompts me to change addresses, and I’m going to do it again!

Yesterday’s sermon in church was on Colossians 3, about taking off the old self, putting on the new self, very timely as always to hear such a message. And recently, it’s been a series of old being replaced by new even if in very very different senses. Like, stepping down from leadership in OCF and watching fresh faces take over, like clearing away my economics of law notes after my final “first exam” of my undergradate career paper, and taking out a fresh set to work on for the next paper, like clearing away the withered flowers from the vase, looking out to see the new daisies bobbing in the breeze, like looking forward to september and possibly a new school, a new beginning somewhere else…

So, new address here: the dance along the artery.

I feel like Cinderella right now, I have to beat the chiming of the bells at midnight! Need to finish my notes on this paper I’m studying by then, or else. So I’m writing this to relieve pressure hahaha. Why does the library have to close at midnight? Not that I’m complaining really, I do not want the option open for me to possibly stay here PAST midnight.

But I’m thankful because I think the mug-bug (ah^ya’s word) has finally bitten me! And please stay till the exams are here and gone!

Feeling very on edge now: this is the world we live in.

33 people dead after a single person’s crazed shooting spree. You don’t need something like this to hit close to home, to feel the horror and the numbing feeling of so many deaths. But in a way it does, because they are university students and so am I, and reading this student’s account of what happened in his classroom, though he recounts it as it is and without any high-drama, I can scarcely imagine the fear, the nearness to death.

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I didn’t breathe a sigh of relief, you know, the glad-not-to have-been there feeling. But I cannot bear the thought of the aftermath, and what everyone there, and all their families must now face, the questions, the pain. I’m almost tempted to pull some pithy quote from somewhere, CS Lewis’s A Grief Observed, but that’s totally NOT the issue… I cannot believe I even considered it!!

And then the recriminations have already started: Why did the police take so long? How did they allow a second round of shootings to happen? Are the lax gun-laws to blame? But then, hold back for a bit and isn’t this just what Romans 1 describes?And think, about God who loved the world he created, Christ who holds it all together, how much more pain and grief there must be there, to see the results of depravity and wickedness in our world today. That individual who held the gun today and took his own life too, is merely one sinner among all of humanity, including me, especially me. Desperately in need of a Saviour, of grace, of forgiveness.

有些过去 挥不去 一直无法快乐
听过太多关于你 却不敢接近
因为你是如此洁净

你却始终不放弃 坚持为我争取
从不嫌弃我的过去 有太多污迹
因为你用宝血洗净
也因为 唯有你能把悲伤治愈

当你说不愿再看见我沉沦
我究竟是谁
值得你来降碑安慰
当你说愿意以死将我赎回
我究竟是谁
我认罪 就听见你说
“You’re forgiven.”

In Sound of Music, when Maria, the children and the Captain are running away after their last performance, before they hide behind the gravestones of the nunnery, the sister quotes the first verse of Psalm 121 to Maria. “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.”

Yesterday morning in church, we sang this song:

When I turn my eyes to see
what the world can offer me,
who alone can be my help?
O lift my eyes
from the fears that threaten me
and vain hopes to set me free,
who alone can be my help?
O lift my eyes.

Lift my eyes, lift my eyes
lift my eyes beyond the hills
to the God who keeps me still,
O lift my eyes

For all worlds are in his hands,
evermore his kingdom stands,
yet he keeps me in his gaze;
O lift my eyes.
He who watches will not sleep
for the Shepherd guards his sheep.
none can snatch me from his hand,
O lift my eyes.

His presence with me as I start on the way
sustained by his grace in the heat of the day
no evil prevails in his purpose for me
till his face I see

- Steve James, Jubilate Hymns

I will sing to the Lord, and I will lift my voice, for You have heard my cry.
I’m so very thankful to have a church like All Souls to be part of here in London.
It’s been a year, since I first grasped the amazing truths of Colossians 1, at last spring’s Word Alive. And looking at it afresh again yesterday, the Word’s alive indeed!

Jesus – “At the still point of the turning world.” (T.S. Eliot, II, Burnt Norton, Four Quartets) A few lines down, “Except for the point, the still point, There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.”

1. of items surrounding my work area (laptop, speakers, stationery, papers, ECON3016)
- tower of golden CD-Rs
- fan-heater now used as fan
- floppy flourescent tube desk lamp
- tissue-box, cube, with blue skies and dandelions
- removable/attachable USB keyboard
- keyboard (piano) + songbook
- moisturizer: Vaseline Intensive Care Healthy Hand&Nail and AloeFresh
- box of pycnogenol, the premium antioxidant tablets
- tube of Redoxon double action Vitamin C + Zinc, effervescent, orange
- Lindt Excellence 85% Cocoa Dark, Extra Fine
- 16 milk chocolate teacakes £1.79 99p
- McVitie’s Moments Milk Chocolate & Orange Viennese Melt
- Bunch of bananas in orange Sainsbury’s bag
- blue water tumbler
- mug with animals: lion “Roarrr”, blue zebra “Grunt!”, stumpy giraffe “chomp chomp”, freckled pig “Splash!”

2. of what’s further afield in my room and house
- messy clothes waiting to be laundered/ironed/folded
- bags on the floor waiting to be picked up
- floor waiting to be vacuumed
- books (non-economics) waiting to be read, back issues of economists too!
- too much food
- yam, sweet potato, sago waiting to become bobochacha
- instant Nong Shim Ramen, soba noodles, much dao gey
- TV

3. of what’s outside the house
- gorgeous weather, sunshine, fresh air
- possibility of jogging/walking alongside ducks (swimming in the canal)
- possibility of strolling in the gardens, sniffing the roses
- possibility of a million and one other things

4. of thoughts in my head
- what should i have for lunch? for dinner?
- what’s she thinking now? what’re they doing now?
- so happy she finally got it!
- oops i think i forgot to stretch.
- when should i do this/that/the other?
- thank You God for a beautiful morning!
- hmm it’s actually quite chilly should I get up to close the window?
- were the ducks really trying to drown the outcast?
- where should we travel to? when do I have to book tickets by?
- what time should I leave home later?
- what music should I study to today!

To everyone who’s busy preparing for exams: making lists work- helps to clear your mind and space. All the best! 加油！Aja aja, fighting!

This song’s stuck in my head! And blue skies indeed today…

Sun is shinin’ in the sky
There ain’t a cloud in sight
It’s stopped rainin’ ev’rybody’s in a play
And don’t you know
It’s a beautiful new day hey heyyy

Runnin’ down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mister blue sky is living here today hey, heyyy

Mister blue sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?

not the best video, but you have to hear the song! so catchy too.

I feel like talking about today, even though I still am behind on my study timetable and felt rather guilty after Eujin’s observation that “eh you’re actually quite slack huh” (compared to my coursemates) because beyond all protestations to the contrary, I know it to be true. eeps.

Anyway, Easter Sunday was beautiful! “See, what a morning, gloriously bright!”, as befits a joyous day of remembrance such as this. And, All Souls really truly resounded with such joyous “A-a-a-a-a-lleluia!”s (I found out later from Pingkhuan in the states that he sang that hymn in church, and so did Peiyong back in Singapore, and the thought that people all over the world were singing today made me very very glad!) Also, sitting upstairs in the gallery and watching John Stott (or as Rico Tice says, “Uncle John” which he really is anyway if we’re all in the same family!) walk up to read the Bible was strangely touching. He used a walking stick and was supported by a younger man, but his steps though slow were steady just as his voice though old was strong and clear, just as he has through the years stood steadfastly in Christ.

Regent’s Park was really beautiful too, as it always is this time of year. It was lovely just eating, talking, and enjoying sunshine and fresh air with Dot. Though we flattened much grass where we sat, and I forgot to photograph flowers as I intended to, and couldn’t bear to take books out to study. Haha. Headed home fully intending to start studying but instead had more good conversation (not complaining) with Tien over a packet of greasy chips from the neighbourhood fish and chips bar (haiyah).

After all that talking, I went back into my room and started thinking (not about environmental economics which I should have been unfortunately) about my view on romantic relationships, and rewind a few years, how different it was then. And I recalled how in the months after the break-up, I kind of committed myself to a season of celibacy (yes possibly from reading the article haha). Thinking about it now though, I would like to commit again to being, to quote the writer, “temporarily celibate – not available to men until further notice from God” haha. Ok I laugh, but I say it all seriousness still. I want to make the most of this season, not worry about the future, not complain about men, to live vividly while I’m not tied to any single person, to seize the opportunity, throw open my arms and embrace the whole world! Does that sounds silly? I’m serious though don’t laugh! But I know it’ll take surrendering, of desires and needs to the One who knows them best, trusting in His time. And I can do that because He lived and died and rose again! Happy Easter!

Our hearts were made for You, O Lord
And they are restless until they rest in You.
- Saint Augustine